burned out paradise

Follow me

2005-06-03T17:36:00.000-04:00

I have a new URL for Burned Out Paradise

C-ya

2004-10-05T17:30:00.000-04:00

I think I'm done with this. I pretty much ran out of stuff to say and don't want you to have to read half-assed entries. Maybe I'll be back if Bush wins in November. C-ya!

I know subway peeves are played-out... but here's mine:

2004-09-30T09:58:00.000-04:00

Since I think it was Bill Clinton who said that the unexamined life is not worth living, sometimes I feel it is a good idea to consider the whys and wherefores of the things that annoy me.

For example: sleeping on the subway. People who sleep sitting up, in their own space, in a controlled way don't annoy me. Even the head-bob or slightly open mouth are okay.

Yesterday though, I saw a young couple sitting next to each other and the girl was completely sacked out across her boyfriend's lap, drooling on his knees. He was sawing logs too, with his arm slung over her. There is something about such un-self-conscious napping that I find really irritating. I was thinking about what it was exactly, and I believe it's too much information (or "TMI!" as Katie Couric would say). Public displays of affection don't bother me, but this kind of sleeping makes me want to tell them to get a room. I guess it's just embarassing. I also think it's sort of pathetic. Even if you have six kids and you're tired or whatever, get it together. At least sit up.

The Iconoclast, my new favorite periodical!

2004-09-28T14:25:00.000-04:00

Considering that Bush "won" certain states by extremely small margins (nearly uncountable, actually -- oh, wait... it's all coming back to me now ... TOTALLY uncountable) I say every little bit counts.

This is why I am feeling particularly smug that a small Crawford, TX newspaper with a circulation of less than 1,000 has endorsed Kerry.

The only thing that could make a Kerry victory better would be if after he wins, Kerry could slap Bush or punch him in the eye or something. Of course that wouldn't be very sportsmanlike and I'm sure our windsurfing friend wouldn't go for it. Oh well.

CSI: Park Slope part II

2004-09-27T09:30:00.000-04:00

This is so awful. Apparently my morning walk could have been a lot worse because at least I didn't see any blood, or a body.

CSI: Park Slope

2004-09-26T15:21:00.000-04:00

Someone got shot on my street last night in the middle of the night. I popped out to walk Beausoleil at 8 this morning and the whole block was roped off with yellow tape and squad cars blocking the top and bottom of the street. Luckily, there wasn't any evidence of the crime. One time when I was 14 a guy got shot outside my folks' house and not only was there still evidence of crime when I stupidly wandered outside to invesigate, but also the body. Anyhow, not this time. There were a bunch of cops and a woman who I presume was the head detective. She looked like a Brooklyn Bonnie Raitt. Huge, bright red hair and an overall spicy look. She was bossing everyone around.

I was asleep when it happened, but I did hear the shots and that is very unsettling. I know now I've never heard gunshots before becasue this was a very distinctive, metallic sound, if that makes any sense. Nothing at all like a backfiring car or any of the other sounds I would hear and get scared about when I was growing up. Anyhow, it woke me up (sort of) but not enough to figure it out. Actually, even this morning at 8 I didn't put it together, I didn't remember till hours later.

Later on, the cops came and knocked on the door to ask questions. My and Nicole's doors are opposite each other in a very narrow hallway. I opened my door wearing my long, pink granny nightgown and a short blue robe over that. Unfortunately, the outfit was a look I rejected for the bug exterminator 2 weekends previously, but I was unprepared for police visitors this morning. I had my dog on a leash and he was a wild thing, trying to jump all over the officer. Nicole was wearing Christmas-print shorts inside out and was holding her fat kitty. He asked us our names and whether we heard anything; then whether we had called 911. I felt really shitty for not having called the police. I just didn't wake up enough to figure out what was going on. Nicole heard the ambulance come only minutes later, but still. I feel ashamed.

Then he asked us our birthdates. My friend Lauren wittily suggested that possibly the NYPD plans to send me a birthday card in two weeks. Now, wouldn't that be nice!

I asked him what happened and he said there had been a dispute and the victim passed away. Shit.

Did you get tickets? Yeah, me neither.

2004-09-24T19:26:00.000-04:00

My friend in LA saw the Pixies last night out there. She got the tix like no problem last week. I think the Pixies sold out here like 3 days before they even announced the tour. Whatever. You can live it through her superb re-cap ici.

Chick even wrote down the set list for me. Like, brought a pen with her and everything. I especially like her delineation between the slow version of "Wave of Mutilation" [from the "Pump Up the Volume Soundtrack"] and the fast version [from"Doolittle"]. I was guessing "Where is My Mind?" for the encore. Guess not. Close though!
______

Ok, I know you already heard about the whole pulled muscle from too much air guitar, so I'll cut to the chase. Here's the playlist:

Bone Machine, Crackity Jones, Something Against You, Isla de Encanta, Broken Face, No 13 Baby, Caribou, Monkey Gone to Heaven, Cactus, Ed is Dead,   Subbacultcha, Dead, Velouria, Umass, a new song they have out on the internet, I Bleed, Gouge Away, Tame, Hey, Gigantic, Wave of Mutilation(slow), Winterlong(!), Mr. Grieves, The Holiday Song, Nimrod's Son, Vamos, Where is My Mind?   Encore: Wave(fast), Debaser

As I said to Migk at the beginning of the show, it's a good thing the songs are all so short, that means we get to hear a lot!

Of course it's so funny to me they did so many songs that we talked about, I wasn't expecting Cactus or Subba, or how about No 13 Baby???? And you KNOW how much I loved that song.  That was pretty obscure. There weren't many singin' along to that. The funny part about that one-- Frank goes to Kim "What song are we gonna do? Number three?" At least that's what I heard, and I yelled out "Number 13!" and then they played it. I thought I was gonna flip.

Ok, I'm all over the place here. I should not have smoked a bowl before writing this! So we saw them at the Greek Theater, which is a smaller sized outdoor venue. It was a really pretty night, all warm and summery. The weird thing was seeing all the people. It was like people we went to high school were crawling out of the woodwork or something. I didn't know so many people still dressed/looked like that! It's probably just because I don't go to those kind of shows much anymore.

When I was deciding what to wear myself that morning, I felt like I should wear something from high school just to be sentimental. Of course, I don't have anything, so that idea was shot. I thought about how maybe that's what the other folks there were doing-- pulling that one old beat up shirt from back in the day out of their closet, and that's why they all looked so high school. The old beat up shirt I personally longed for was the Trompe white v-neck you made for me that I wore to Lolaplalooza.

The Distillers opened. If you don't know who they are (you probably do) they're an LA punk band with a chick lead singer. Well, she sounded exactly like Courtney Love singing and there were girl punkish teeny boppers all around screaming along. That was definitely a weird blast from the past. They were totally the type of band we would have loved back in the day.

The Pixies looked pretty much the same. Frank Black is still chubby & bald, Joey Santiago looked like some LA Mexican with a goatee...this is something I would've never noticed until living out here. Kim Deal looked cute and pretty subdued. Her hair is a short little pixie cut (how fitting) and she's gained a little weight herself. Hopefully because she's clean now. . .

To me the show was just awesome. They aren't old or anything yet, they still have energy and the songs were just tight. They are all still quality good quality songs that stand up to test of time, even with the weird random lyrics. There were a few I had to point out to Migki, such as "You buy me a soda and you try to molest me in the parking lot." I also pointed out "And redneckers they get us pissed" from Umass which she liked. I of course had to let her know that "fall on your face in those bad shoes" was also an all time classic line for us. The words for Gigantic she picked up right away. . .

And maybe I'm just a Pixies snob, but I think it is safe to say that I was the only person in our vicinity that truely knew every single song they played with the exception of the new one. They never said to title of it, they just called it the internet song, so who knows. And of course I thought of you when they did Winterlong, that song will forever remind me of you.

Oh, there was this really cute little boy there with his mom, he was probably about ten or eleven, that was singing along to almost everything, and doing air guitar and head banging. He was so cute, Migki and I kept watching him and laughing. Just goes to show the Pixies are getting passed on to the next generation!

Alright, that's the blow by blow.  I have to say, it was fuckin' awesome!

By "sometimes" I actually meant "often"

2004-09-22T10:30:00.000-04:00

Scarlet said:
I am very thankful I have a roof over my head too and
I feel very lucky to be so fortunate in life.
Recently, when I've had a headache, stomach ache or
something, I always think, I'm lucky to have two legs
and two arms, or I'm lucky to be able to have food,
etc. But sometimes I just have to indulge in self
pity, only once in a while.

And I replied:

But that's my point: just be thankful.

If you have a stomachahe, you can still feel bad even
though there is a quadrapalegic out there somewhere.
Because as bad as the quadrapalegic feels there is a
quadrapalegic with cancer. There is ALWAYS someone
with a worse case than you, but it doesn't mean you
can't feel bad.

On the other hand it is good to be aware of the things
that make you lucky. Feel bad when you need to, but
redirect your focus sometimes to keep things in
perspective. Otherwise you'll either have infinite
guilt over how it could be worse, or on the other hand
get all caught up in the minidramas of your own life
so you forget the bigger picture.

Sometimes I get preachy

2004-09-21T20:56:00.000-04:00

Just now I read that 700 people died in Haiti because of hurricane Jeanne. I have been complaining about the weather a whole lot lately, because it has really sucked. I am certainly not the only one.

But of course, no one in New York City has died because of it. Just little things happened, like the subway shutting down or my puppy getting very wet and sad. After like 6 million hurricanes, I have been feeling pretty guilty about complaining. Then I remembered that these things are so relative: everyone has it worse than you. There are even people in the world who have it worse than the Haitians*, though they are always getting the short end of the stick, that's for sure.

Anyhow, since hard times are always relative, it's useless to worry about who has the worse deal. I say switch it up and be thankful. Think about some ways you are fortunate. I feel lucky that I live in a place where people don't die of hurricanes and I don't have to worry about my roof getting ripped off in a storm. And when there is a storm, I am fortunate that I have shelter from it, which I pay for myself. Then I pour a little out for Haiti. Jesus Christ.

*or as Cher from "Clueless" would say: the "Hay-tee-ans"

6:30 a.m.

2004-09-20T10:48:00.000-04:00

This morning when I was walking the pup, I saw the guy who kicked my dog back in May. He got a haircut. Today he didn't kick my dog, but he did walk all weird and I realized he was trying not to step on the cracks. Jesus Christ!

That girl was, is, and always will be nada.

2004-09-19T22:40:00.000-04:00

James Spader just won an Emmy for whatever show he's on now. Words cannot possibly express how much I love James Spader, especially from you know, the John Hughes days.

"Sex, Lies, and Videotape" was great and all*, but whenever anyone says Spader I think of the scene in "Pretty in Pink" when he (as Steff) instructs Blane to cut the crap and dump Andy toute de suite because she's trash. Then he tells Blaine to scurry off to class. He makes a jackass face and points up at the bell, which rings on cue. He turns on his heel, stamps out his smoke (in school!) and saunters off in his Miami Vice suit.

Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous.

[*Oh, and "Secretary!"]

I think Dems would say it's actually a Sam Adams commercial

2004-09-19T11:42:00.000-04:00

This morning Chris Matthews was lamenting the fact that we seem to elect presidents lately based on who we'd rather get a beer with. Luckily, he pointed out that this tendency is not only the domain of us notoriously touchy-feely females. In fact, according to Matthews, it is the men who have a real problem. This is how he ended his show. I liked it:

"Guys, I think we need a gut-check! This isn't a Michelob commercial!"

The overall effect of the message is of course improved by Matthews' parody-of-itself (see: Saturday Night Live) nasally-shouting voice.

A question to NYC readers

2004-09-18T19:31:00.000-04:00

Especially to those of you who pass time in SoHo or the Upper East Side:

Do you ever want to point and say "TOO MUCH plastic surgery!" at certain individuals on the street?
If that weren't a totally rude thing to do, that is.

My new friend Jeter

2004-09-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

It's too bad I am not in high school anymore, because I could have been a lot more well-rounded. My new-found appreciation for math and science is now joined by a tentative appreciation for sports. The only sport I ever liked was Lacrosse, which I played in high school. I liked it's grace and aggression, and the fact that I was good at it -- unlike soccer, basketball, softball and all the other sports I was forced to play as a child.

Even so, I never liked watching sports. I could never understand the close relationship some people -- even the most unathletic or aetheistic -- found between sports and religion. The closest I ever came was last month, watching the US Women's soccer team win in overtime at Athens. Holy shit.

I CERTAINLY never understood this city's obsession with the Yankees. I come from DC where we have losing teams so the fervor here was completely lost on me when I moved here. The Yankees always kind of pissed me off, because I thought they made too much money and the hot-spot-hopping Jeter seemed like too much of a pretty boy. To say nothing of A-Rod. Jesus.

Then yesterday I watched an interesting movie on HBO which I do not know the name of. It was about the 2001 World Series and how Yankee fans hung all their emotional stability on the back-and-forth drama between the Yankees and the Arizona what's-their-faces. That I can understand. Of course I missed the Series, but condensed in the movie it looked fantastic. Considering my emotional stability was completely M.I.A. in the fall of 2001, and I was a blathering mess, perhaps I should have looked into baseball.

There was an interview with a man who had been at game 7 (I think) out at Yankee stadium and he said he felt so good after the game that he didn't want to leave the Bronx. As he took the subway back downtown, the feeling disappeared and he could smell again that thick, plastic smoke that was all in the amtosphere for months. His story was mostly presented in voiceover, accompanied by nighttime scenes of ground zero, all lit up with floodlights. I had forgotten about that smell and about those floodlights which prevented nighttime darkness (such as it is in the city) from letting you forget about it for a minute. Although I didn't go to ground zero for three years after 9-11, I knew about those lights and hated them almost as much as the smell.

None of these feelings are fresh for me now, but I still remember that raw anguish and wish I had had something like the escapism, joy and community bonding of the Yankees to make me feel better at the time. I don't need any of that now, but it does make me think that maybe baseball isn't so bad.

Down and out at recess

2004-09-16T11:05:00.000-04:00

I am glad that school is back in session here in the city because I walk my dog past a huge black-top playground every day. During the summer it is boring because no one is there. During the school year, the kids are at recess. I walk very slowly and watch the way they play and how the social groups work out. You can tell the 8 year olds who have discovered flirting, the girls who form twosome fortresses based on whispering and secrets, and then the kids who don't really fit in.

Yesterday there were maybe 100 or 125 kids out, most of them looked like 2nd or 3rd graders. Everyone seemed to be doing ok except for one boy with a ruddy face and a black t-shirt. He was standing in the middle of the black top alone, amid lots of smaller groups rushing around him. He looked sort of aimless, but not bothered by it exactly. Actually, he looked like he was having a conversation in his head. It was too much for me though, and as I was thinking, "please for the love of god, find someone to play with" he leaned to the left and then began to dash away in a sort of aimless jog. I thought he spotted some buddies, but then he stopped and milled around some more. Then he did the same thing heading back to the right. Some other boys ran past on either side and brushed against him.

This went on for awhile and it was too much. Awkward kids who don't have anyone to play with at recess just kill me. I wasn't exactly that kid, but all the same, I was deeply thankful that I am not 8 anymore. Even though I have crow's feet or whatever, I did not like being a kid and I would never, ever wish for even the best moments again.

Then later in the shower I was thinking about when you're small, and you're in a swimming pool, and you realize how amazing it is that water makes you weightless. And even though you weigh 40 pounds you can carry your dad around like it's nothing. Then I remembered how you learn fantastic things like that every day. Dang.

Excellent choice!

2004-09-15T14:03:00.000-04:00

Judy Blume won the National Book Award. This this is aces! I feel sorry for any girl before say, 1970, who had to go through puberty without Judy Blume. I even read the books for boys, for pete's sake. "Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing" or whatever. Anyhow, thank you Judy Blume, for teaching me about bras and being insecure and confused and stuff.

Plus I would be Chanel's legacy

2004-09-15T11:36:00.000-04:00

Here's a fun thing to think about. If you could totally change everything about you and look like someone completely different -- be it age, gender, race, whatever -- who would you like to be? In honor of fashion week, I pick Karl Lagerfeld.

Yes, if I could be an old, fabulous, German man I would. There is something about Lagerfeld that is even more shameless and wonderful than P Diddy. It is his old-school-ness, that certain Euro quality. The omnipresent sunglasses, the I-take-myself-SO-seriously poker face, the white ponytail. The insane combination of cartoon and absolute dead seriousness.. sigh. I could wear a huge glittering pinky ring and feel understated. I could carry a cane and no one would notice. People might kiss my hand. I could say "darling" with a straight face and even make Anna Wintour humble.

Don't we all go ape for Picasso

2004-09-14T11:37:00.000-04:00

Here's a cool article about how some folks in Spain found a new Picasso under an old one. This is interesting for general art history but also for the technology that allows these people to go messing around with works in ways they were not able to in the past.

More to come as I ponder my personal truths

2004-09-12T17:06:00.000-04:00

These are my confessions:

1.) I like Tom Cruise. A lot.

2.) I have seen nearly every movie Sandra Bullock has made, not including "The Net."

3.) I wouldn't know a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song if I heard one.

4.) Same with Strokes and Hives and other bands people love.

5.) I have a coat with real fur trim and I wear it.

6.) I considered buying Paris Hilton's book.

7.) I might have licked a plate once in my life.

8.) I feel worse about homeless animals than homeless (adult) people.

9.) I think I might be the only person over age 12 who buys bubblegum (regularly) ... and chews each piece successively till it's all gone.

10.) I totally screen phone calls.

11.) I have also been known to dodge people on the street.

12). I have acted real nice then given a fake number before (once to a lonely cab driver who said he had been in the U.S. about 3 seconds and had no friends).

13.) I have a lot of trouble not being sarcastic with children even though I know they don't "get it."

14.) I have looked at embarassing pictures of Britney Spears (Cheeto-eating, cellulite, barefoot emerging from public restroom) on the internet, on purpose.

15.) Spending money makes me feel better in the same way that eating or drinking alcohol makes other people feel better.

16.) My J. Lo "The Remixes" CD is so worn out I may have to replace it.

17.) At the video store I always pause by "You Got Served"

18.) Watching people eat on the subway totally grosses me out.

19.) Watching people eat buffalo wings ANYWHERE totally grosses me out.

20.) I judge people who follow trends too dogmatically (even tourists): Ugg boots, Chinese mesh slippers, Von Dutch anythng, itty bitty pleated skirts, ponchos, etc.

BONUS:
21.) I don't really want an I-Pod.

Oh, and for any of you interested in #6, my birthday is October 8th!

A different kind of crazy person

2004-09-09T10:06:00.000-04:00

This morning I saw a girl wearing a turtleneck sweater and long sleeved shirt over it. I cannot possibly understand how she can wear that. It is so humid here I expect to see flying cockroaches. This girl must be a reptile or space alien or something.

Girly-man!

2004-09-08T13:51:00.000-04:00

My brilliant mom is in Pennsylvania and said that today Bush canceled a trip to the area due to rain. She then remarked that he would not have done very well in Vietnam.

Hot damn!

Does your conscience bother you?

2004-09-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

This weekend was all classic rock, all the time for me. Skynyrd's "Pronounced..." album, alternating with some 104.3 (which was playing way too much Beatles and Doors, but I'll say no more as I have enough enemies).

I also read an article in the New York Times about how if a Democrat (say, John Kerry) drives an SUV he is pretentious and elitist, but if a Republican does, he is rugged. Anyhow, the premise of the article was that while the "pedigrees" of the candidates are so much the same, they are polarized in the press and national consciousness.

This combined with too much classic rock reminded me of the 1970s battle (even before the days of Nas and Jay-Z!) betwixt Neil Young and Lynyrd Skynrd. For those who don't know, Neil Young wrote a song called "Southern Man". The song used an us vs. them voice and reminded the southern man about his dangerous legacy of slavery. The lyrics also link the hypocrisy of slavery to the beloved bible of the, you know, bible belt. Paraphrased, the message is: "Dude. I saw what you were doing down there and it was nasty. You people have done disgusting things and it will haunt you till you do something about it. You assholes."

Then Lynyrd Skynrd responded directly with "Sweet Home Alabama", which you may have heard before. This is not just a song for pretty southern girls to dance to in movies. Skynrd's response is basically separatist ("Well, I hope neil young will remember a southern man don’t need him around anyhow"). It's an anthem, obviously. But the lyrics are more subtle. I am always interested in the verse:

In Birmingham they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth

I assume the Birmingham line is about segregation but I am not sure how Watergate was exactly a Northern thing or relates at all. But you can totally look it up and figure it out. Paraphrased, the message is: "Fuck you. You don't even know."

My point is that I enjoy this little battle, but there isn't really so much difference between Young and the boys of Skynrd. We all have a nasty legacy, it's not just a southern thing. There was slavery in New York state for pete's sake. It's not like things weren't worse in the south, or that things didn't polarize a lot in the 1860s, but still. Don't act like you don't have blood on your hands, because we (by we, I obviously mean us white folks) all do.

By the same token, there's no difference between Kerry and Bush with respect to pedigree. Bush is no more a common man than Kerry. Kerry is no more elitist than Bush. The comparisons are so mind-blowingly superficial. I can't understand why people don't take the time to find out the truth.

I will curb my dog but can I put the doo doo bag in your trash can?

2004-09-05T16:32:00.000-04:00

Oh, hey. Did you see the small article in the NYT City section about the "curb your dog" business on President street?

Apparently, a sure sign of an obnoxious blogger is making any links or comparisons between her blog and real journalism, so I'll just leave it at that.

I will say, though, that I am open to any Times job offers of Park Slope correspondent, as our interests occasionally overlap.

More about marketing than tampons

2004-09-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

There is this article in Salon.com today about a new brand of tampons I will be boycotting. I hate advertisers. These clowns put inspiring messages on their wrappers and then dispatch their President to say things like, "We don't consider Dittie a brand ... It's a movement. It's a culture of women coming together. It's a friend there in the bathroom with you."

Give me a fucking break, will you please? I mean, REALLY. A friend in the bathroom. Just please sell your product and get out. I really do not know how much more I can take. This so makes me want to puke in my pocket. I cannot understand how these people can take themselves so seriously and say these things with a straight face. Why are other products not subjected to such nonsense? A culture of women. I don't need a culture from you, I need a feminine product. God!

This reminds me of how with so-called "breast cancer awareness" (I know about it. It sucks.) everything is pink. I do not need everything to be pink to understand it. I do not need cutesy messages, pins, dolls, ribbons, keychains or tank tops. So patronizing.

(The other hateful thing about this brand is that when I mention it out loud I feel like I am talking about P. Diddy. Not good.)

Republicans are crazy!

2004-08-31T09:46:00.000-04:00

But not in the way I usually mean. I really think they are starting to crack. Witness the reckless veering "off message" in recent weeks:

1) Cheney personally departing from Bush's position on gay marriage. First of all, when I heard this two days ago, I realized it was the longest set of words I had ever heard Cheney string together. Second of all, WHAT? I had always assumed that Cheney took the "I have no daughter" stance when it came to her being a lezzie and all. AMAZING.

2) Bush's admittance of a "miscalculation" last week. I hardly even know what to say. The man is totally comprimising everything his sad little platform rests on.

3) I watch the "Today Show" and when Bush said that we can't win the war on terror, I plotzed. My buddy Bill asked me what Lauer said in reply, and I said I don't remember because I was lying on my living room floor with my eyes rolling back in my head.

I have waited for four years for Bush to say something I agree with. The whole thing was just as I would say it! But his people must have been tearing their hair out. If that moment was the kind of president that Bush really is, I would feel a lot different about him.

What made the whole thing better, worse, more weird and ironic, was the ridiculous Kerry windsurfing footage the next day. Some reporter hopped out into the waves and asked Kerry whether we could win the war on terror. "Absolutely!" he cried. Jesus Christ. I really and truly do not know WHAT is going on anymore.

I throw your camera in the dirt like in the wedding scene in Godfather I

2004-08-30T18:24:00.000-04:00

There's this new irritating thing that cropped up on President street between 4th and 5th avenues. Those of you in Park Slope know that this is the #1 path to the Union Street station for commuters. Anyhow, every tree on this street now has a computer print out sign strapped to it with package tape. The signs, in different colors, say: PLEASE CURB YOUR DOG. CAMERAS ARE ON.

The bit about cameras are flanked by happy faces, by the way.

First of all, I am always interested in how people seem to love to use the word "curb." I looked it up and apparently it means "lead your dog away so it doesn't poop in my flower bed" but it also means simply to restrain, check, control and rein in. One time I saw a sign that said "please curb your dog away from this building." It sounded awkward, but I guess it's correct.

So I understand you don't want dog business all over your space. What irritated me was the "cameras are on" threat and the mocking happy faces.

I think it really shows what kind of big brother time we are living in that folks expect other folks to not only believe that the entire block has risen up and deployed surveillance cameras to control errant dog crap ... but also that we will find these invisible cameras to be some sort of deterrant.

Your cameras are on and.....
The police will come?
Your muu-muu wearing mother will come out and yell and point her Newport at me?
I will receive a ticket in the mail like those traffic cameras that take your picture and then pop a speeding ticket in the mail?

For about 2 days I was so annoyed I had to walk on the other side of the street. Then I went back and saw all sorts of great black marker changes.
PLEASE CURB YOUR DONKEYS
CAMERAS ARE BONGS
CAMERAS ARE OFF
and the straightforward
NO MORE SIGNS ON TREES

I have some suggestions for the residents of President street. I think their signs and cameras would be much more useful directed at tacky commuters rather than dogwalkers (who I believe are pretty good at curbing. I know I am awesome at it.)

PLEASE CURB YOUR BUSINESS SUIT / BACKPACK COMBO. BUY A PURSE OR A BRIEFCASE.
PLEASE CURB YOUR BACKFAT HANGING OUT OF YOUR LOW-RIDER PANTS.
PLEASE CURB YOUR HABIT OF WEARING SUMMER SKIRTS WITH WINTER BOOTS.
PLEASE CURB YOUR WALKING TWO STEPS BEHIND ME ALL THE WAY DOWN THE BLOCK, PASS OR SLOW DOWN.
PLEASE CURB YOUR CIGARETTES BEFORE 9:00 A.M. WHICH WAFTS BACK AT ME. YOU STINK.

Don't make eye contact

2004-08-26T16:26:00.000-04:00

Hi. Have you ever seen the U.S. Women's Olympic Soccer goalie Brianna Scurry? She is #1 on my list of people not to fuck with.

I am at work and...

2004-08-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

... in the last hour I have been called:

1) kid
2) a shiny silver dollar (a take on the "turning up like a bad penny" thing)
3) a golden eagle

I am skin and bones, I am pointy nose

2004-08-26T11:21:00.000-04:00

So. Someone from high school class of '91 is working in NBC's "Today Show" editing room. On THREE separate occasions during Olympics broadcasts in the last two weeks, Jane's Addiction has been the background for their silly "nah, there's no real news" Athens spots. Last week they played "Been Caught Stealing" during some Katie Couric nonsense. Usually they dredge up B.C.S. for stories about dogs or -- duh -- stealing. I think this may have been Katie wrestling with Rulon Gardner or someone.

Then today, it happened TWICE! Amazing. Full-of-cuss-words Ain't No Right was first, then I think it was Ritual's "Of Course." One of the less radio-single-ish ones, anyhow. Weird, man. I would totally like to know who is behind this.

P.S. -- I challenge all you SIX FEET UNDER (The Killers), ENTOURAGE (Franz Ferdinand) and THE O.C. (the sky's the limit. Start with Rooney) music spotters to a duel: The Today Show vs. all hipper-than-thou network and HBO programming. Slam!

Color revolution

2004-08-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

Today I was cashiering at my beloved co-op
and one of my gentleman customers was wearing a seersucker suit, a pink gingham shirt and some sort of green tie. It was shockingly fabulous. Of course I had to say something and this is how it went. We are now comrades.

MOI: That is a fantastic outfit, by the way.

GENTLEMAN CUSTOMER: Thank you!

MOI: So many people are afraid of color. It's so sad.

GENTLEMAN CUSTOMER: I know! I was eavesdropping in a restaurant once, I mean-- you know how that goes. And I overheard someone saying, "Oh those queens never use any color." You know, because we all have white apartments or whatever.

MOI: Sure, sure.

GENTLEMAN CUSTOMER: I'm showing THEM!

MOI: You're starting a color revolution! I am too. You know, last week I wore pink and red together.

GENTLEMAN CUSTOMER: Now, that is very bold. Very wonderful.

Is everyone named John or what?

2004-08-24T16:25:00.000-04:00

For those of you who spring for cable, John Kerry is supposed to be on John Stewart's "Daily Show" tonight. Superb.

Luv ya Suzanne

2004-08-24T16:00:00.000-04:00

My friend Nicole busts my chops because she says I talk about my DVD Yoga instructor Suzanne Deason as if she were a real person who gives me personalized, individual instruction. But that's not true because even when I talk about Suzanne, I also totally mention the other girls in the class -- you know, the ones who do the poses behind her.

Whatever, dude.

Hardcore Academia

2004-08-23T12:01:00.000-04:00

In the current issue of SEED magazine, Bad Religion frontman Greg Graffin discusses his double-life as old-school punk rock hero ... and PhD student of Evolutionary Biology.

The interview questions are predictable ("Are there elements of the punk rock ethos -- challenging authority and thinking independently -- that you apply to your academic career?")

But his answer is nice:
"Being punk is a natural part of being human. Most people in 'civilized' societies have been trained to lose touch with their natural desire to question authority and challenge popular belief. In science, of course, we are trained to always question and never be content without verification. Scientific training goes hand-in-hand with a punk ethos."

In-fucking-deed!

PS- do you think SEED editorial assistant Ted Alvarez, who conducted this interview, Googled "punk rock ethos" to find that definition? Name me any artistic movement that doesn't challenge authority. It is a hair more specific than that, but we get the idea. It's ok.

O-wimp-ics

2004-08-19T16:45:00.000-04:00

Today I was having the wicked original thought that there are all sorts of interesting Olympic sports other than the inescapable gymnastics / swimming / running triumvirate.

So I was having some jokes with myself at the expense of Olympic Canoers. Do they feel like hotshots because they are Olympic athletes? Or do they secretly feel all inferior when the Crew team strolls past in the Olympic Village?

But then I decide to see what's up with Olympic canoeing. Um, holy shit. Ok, not wimpy AT ALL.

If it's not Scottish, it's crrrap!

2004-08-19T16:37:00.000-04:00

But if it IS Scottish, it's probably saliva. I read today in SEED magazine that passengers spitting on bus drivers in Edinburgh is like, this big epidemic. One driver was quoted as saying that it happens to him 3 or 4 times a week. The government or someone is passing out little emergency kits so that next time it happens a driver can take a lil' DNA sample. Then they look yo ass up and bust you later. Other countries have the damndest problems, I'll tell you.

But I like monkeys!

2004-08-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

I think this may have been floating around for awhile, but whatever. Have yall seen Bush or Chimp?

One thing I hate about New York

2004-08-18T22:16:00.000-04:00

Would it be too much to ask that I could take a breath without feeling like I was inhaling gas, garbage fumes, restaurant stink and other bullshit?

Oh wait-- what did I expect in New York City? My fault. No complaints. Sorry.

Ex-squeeze me? Baking soda?

2004-08-17T10:45:00.000-04:00

Last night before the Killers show, this guy turned up next to me at the bar. Some other dudes recognized him and were all "Hey are you in Stellastarr?"

I was very interested in this because when you're a fan, and you're up to bat meeting someone famous, you can, you know ... totally choke. But these guys did allright. Didn't hound him with total retard questions. They had a nice conversation about the band's tour. Bought him a shot and everything, but didn't pant or drool.

Anyhow, things took a downward turn when Rock Star To My Left said they had played some "pretty weird places like Norway." What?! The best country in the world to live in? What's weird? I was about to get all indignant on his ass, but then I checked myself and squashed it because I knew it would come out more "Hey, asshole!" than "I object!" and I obviously wasn't trying to pick a fight or whatever. You know.

Mad Libs Redux

2004-08-15T12:29:00.000-04:00

I am sure none of you will be surprised to hear that I am all over NJ Gov. McGreevey's speech of a few days ago. Sure, I think that it's wicked interesting that he's gay and all. However, it's his eloquence, particularly with respect to the sticky issue of "truth," which really impressed me. "Personal truth," no less. Yikes.

My experience has been that once people start thinking closely about their own personal truths, the process generally brings them to their knees. I am not trying to be your shrink though. So let's have a cocktail instead, and think about the personal truths of some of our newsmaking public personalities. Thus, I introduce:

MCGREEVEY MAD LIBS FOR EVERYONE

To refresh your memory, the exact part of the fantastic speech to which I am referring is this:

"At a point in every person's life, one has to look deeply into the mirror of one's soul and decide one's unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is. And so my truth is that I am a gay American."

Let's see how this fits with some other folks we know:

MARY-KATE OLSEN: "And so my truth is that I am a __________."
a.) anorexic
b.) coke-head
c.) child actor who is totally avoiding the by-now-cliche downfalls of child-actor-dom

SCOTT PETERSON: "And so my truth is that I am a __________."
a.) killer
b.) man who doesn't look good as a blonde
c.) num-nuts

DONALD TRUMP: "And so my truth is that I am a __________."
a.) man who doesn't understand that I will die one day
b.) national joke
c.) showcase of bad taste

AVRIL LAVIGNE: "And so my truth is that I am a __________."
a.) celebrity who is more Hillary Duff than Courtney Love
b.) celebrity who doesn't understand that makeup-artist-applied-kohl-eyeshadow isn't all
that punk rock
c.) product with a shelf-life

ARNOLD SHWARZENEGGER: "And so my truth is that I am a __________."
a.) joke only a hair (ha) less funny than Donald Trump
b.) man who owes more to my wife than I would care to admit without making a joke out of it
c.) governor who tried to reduce the time an animal may stay in an animal shelter without being "destroyed."

Anyhow, whatever. Do your own!

On and on

2004-08-14T22:10:00.000-04:00

Oh, did yall see this?

A note to you people

2004-08-14T11:33:00.000-04:00

I became aware that for some reason anonymous comments haven't been allowed on this blog. That sucks. I fixed the problem, so if you have something to say, please do so. Just click on Tell me about it, stud! below.

'Mo joke free-for-all

2004-08-14T11:20:00.000-04:00

You know the Daily News is just basking in the free pass they've received for making gay jokes, what with this McGreevey thing and all. That's sort of annoying, but then I had to yuk it up good when I saw the "He said ... He said..." Daily News cover at the Carroll street bodega this morning.

I yukked it up again when I logged on and saw NO MORE MR. NICE GAY! again on the Daily News. I can't help it. I'm a child.

My buddy and co-worker Helen said she didn't even think that the BF is that cute. I hadn't seen him when she said so yesterday, but now that I've scoped this cover, I have to say: I think old McGreevey kinda scored. Plus being an Israeli poet doesn't hurt, for christ's sake.

Who's afraid of butter?

2004-08-13T15:37:00.000-04:00

I should have asked my friend Emma to do the Julia Child eulogy. We were emailing about her this afternoon and Emma is very astute and witty of course. Here is how it went:

--- Emma wrote:

my favorite things about julia child:
-her meaty hands and the way she could split a lobster open
-the fact that she used to work for the CIA
but yeah, that show with jacques pepin was pretty awesome. they were quite a team. quite a team, indeed.

emma

--- RocketQueen wrote:
Ha! Those are great additions. I also like how she came to her calling late in life. Late for the 1950s but also late by today's standards. She was not one to be toyed with. I liked the Julia and Jacques show. He was always so patient and gentle with her and indulged her Julia-ness.

xx

--- Emma wrote:

Yeah, Julia was not fucking around. She knew what was up. I also liked how she was a messy cook. She'd always be wiping some kind of mess (animal innards, peelings) off the counter, right to the floor. She was kind of the anti-Martha Stewart in that way. I agree, Jacques does have a kind demeanor that complements Julia's craziness.

Finally, we can forget about Mary-Kate for a minute

2004-08-13T11:14:00.000-04:00

I am going to skip over the salacious McGreevey news today, because it's not even been 24 hours and I am ALMOST already sick of it.

However, I did just see that Julia Child died, and that is very sad.

In lieu of a bunch of violin-solo remarks about how she was a pioneer in (among other things) teaching Americans to cook French food, I will say this: my favorite thing about Julia Child was her recent television series with Jacques Pepin. Jacques would be obsessing over slicing the perfect fish filet, and Julia would get impatient. Eventually, everything would boil down to her wanting wine. I am paraphrasing of course, but most shows would end with something along the lines of Julia asking Jacques when they were going to crack open that bottle, for Pete's sake. I like that a lot. When I am 90 I don't plan on letting any young dudes keep me from my wine, either.

People who like animals may want to skip this one

2004-08-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

A friend of my mother's once said that "Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, with a whole lotta Alabama in between." Since my trip along the 'pike through central Pennsylvania yesterday, I have to say: Amen, brother.

Aside from the enormous barn marked WORLD OF PIGEONS, most of the roadside items that caught my interest were billboards advertising hunting gear, particularly of the bow-hunting variety. Jesus Christ. Anyone who's seen "Kicking and Screaming" will remember when Max warns Kate, "He'd ALREADY rather be bow-hunting!" It's a scary matter, and a lot harder to stomach than regular, like, rifle-hunting, I guess.

Speaking of stomachs, one of the billboards was for a certain type of arrow (carbon, or something?) whose appeal was the efficiency with which it pierced through the animal's flesh. Disgusting. Plus it had an accompanying illustration of the arrow going through the chest of a deer.

This was about 10 miles beyond the "We understand. We hunt, too." billboard. I shielded my co-pilot Beausoleil's eyes from such pornography, of course.

Then there was Sickafus Sheepskins which also featured local country music sensation and avid sheep skinner Pat Garrett. Yikes.

Aside from all that, and the Cracker Barrells every 5 miles, there wasn't TOO much going on. I will say this though: Pennsylvania drivers are very kind. There is no white-knuckle, ride-or-die mentality that there is on, say, the BQE. And the truckers don't try to run you off the road like they do on the Jersey turnpike. They do, however, cluster in the left lane at 50 mph though. Ah well.

I wonder whether the sight of an actual real, bow-hunter would be scarier in Pennsylvania or Brooklyn. Ew.

No cracks from the peanut gallery, please

2004-08-11T11:14:00.000-04:00

Being back from vacation sucks.

What happened yesterday during my 7+ hour drive through central Pennsylvania is that I decided my dog should have a middle name. Now Beausoleil will be known as Beausoleil Francis, after St. Francis of Assisi, the patron Saint of animals and the environment. I think that's nice.

My wiseacre mom asked if she can call him Frank now, and I said no. I still call him just Beausoleil, but it's nice for a guy to have a full name. I'll probably get new tags made for him and stuff.

One Happy Birthday, One Farewell

2004-08-02T16:12:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I love the Verrazano Bridge. Driving over it feels like driving over the edge of the earth. It's almost worth the $8. Anyhow, it turns 40 this week.

SEE YA

My buddy Smarty Jones is gonna burn out but not fade away.

I am going on vacation tomorrow

2004-08-02T15:52:00.000-04:00

Goodbye:

Kerry
Bush
Edwards
Cheney
Terror
Gay marriage
Abortion
9-11 Commission
Polls
Republican National Convention
Metrocard Fare Hikes
Subway Service Changes
Yankees
Hamptons
Diddy
Escaped Tigers
Scott Peterson
News Articles About Blogging
Martha Stewart
Paris Hilton
Britney and Federline
Mary-Kate Olsen
Michael Jackson
Ugg Boots
Low-Carb
iPods
Tourists

I Spy

2004-08-01T16:58:00.000-04:00

I like it when I see all sorts of interesting things in a short span of time. It's like I've had my eyes closed forever. When I took the puppy out for a walk this afternoon, first I saw a guy slicing a pipe in half with some sort of circular saw. Sparks were shooting everywhere, and he was not only wearing a tank top and no gloves, but also no goggles. Not even regular glasses, or shades or anything.

After I finished marvelling over that, a man walked toward me and stopped about 10 feet away. He had two rubber balls in his hand. He dropped each of them, let them bounce once, then caught them and kept walking.

Someone must be selling pro-Texas tee-shirts somewheres on 7th ave because I saw two women (separately) wearing "Don't Mess with Texas ... WOMEN" shirts. Then I saw a third person wearing one that said "Texas Is Way Better Than France" or something to that effect. I liked it because two of my friends are Texans and my dad is sort of from there.

Then I saw a Park Slope teenage boy (which you may remember is of a specific variety) wearing a shirt that said KEEP MUSIC EVIL. That reminds me of "1992's New Face of Rock," my old buddy Kurt Cobain and his wordy message.

Anyhow, last was a six-year-old asking his mom about the 5,000 people passing out flyers on 7th ave.: "But WHY do they DO that?"

Indeed.

Thanksgiving

2004-07-31T09:27:00.000-04:00

July is the time when I am thankful for construction and sanitation workers.

Yesterday it was roughly, oh, 1 million degrees with 1 million % humidity. And that was at 9:00 a.m.

I stopped at Balthazar for coffee and a free bite of walnut-raisin bread, and also so I could feel for a moment like someone who had any business buying coffee at Balthazar (i.e., not a graduate student).

Anyhow, I was walking along Spring Street and there were a bunch of construction workers with a jackhammer, messing around in a hole in the street. I was walking all weird, trying not to glisten too much (for those who don't know: women glisten, they don't sweat) or let my legs stick to the insides of my pants. Gross!

As I reached the towering heights of primma-donna-dom, I looked at these guys in their heavy jeans, equipment and plastic helmets, and with dust all stuck to their sweaty selves, and I thought about how they had to go about this all goddamn day. I felt thankful for consrtuction workers then, because no matter how much you get paid, that sucks. Plus they make our streets less hopeless. I talked to my friend Bill about this and he made the half-hearted suggestion that perhaps the manliness quotient makes the suffering worth it to them, but I'm skeptical.

Today there is an article in the New York Times about the secret language of garbage collectors. (Read the article to find out what "disco rice" is.) That reminded me how thankful I am for sanitation workers, too. Not only does the trash on the street stink exceptionally during the summer, but my dog is always trying to nose around in it and eat old chicken bones. every Friday afternoon, I am so glad when it is gone. I think it's important to remember that actual, real human beings came and picked it up, it didn't just disappear while I was at work.

There is this ongoing business with people refusing to say "police" or "firemen" here, it always has to be "New York's Bravest" or "New York's Finest" --- or more annoyingly, just abbreviated to "Bravest" or "Finest," as in: Finest Plants Bomb in Times Square Subway.

I am grateful for firemen, I'm not trying to pick on them whatsoever or co-opt their nickname. But why not take a little time to recognize the invaluable contribution of construction workers in all their finest-ness. And when your daily duties include the very real risk of rat bites, who would dispute that the garbage collectors are super brave?

Plus I heard he can only tame his hair with a metal comb

2004-07-29T22:26:00.000-04:00

I love John Kerry's eyebrows. They are like little pets that you can could name and feed and love and take care of.

The real question, however, is how they stack up against Jason Priestly's.

Hmmmm.....

Ba-dum-ching!

2004-07-29T22:18:00.000-04:00

"Guess which wing of the hospital I was born in ... I'm not kidding you: I was born in the west wing!"

-John Kerry Boston, MA 7/29/04

Sworn enemies no longer

2004-07-27T23:19:00.000-04:00

One thing I find really satisfying is when I change my mind about someone I don't like. When all of a sudden I'm all, "Oh, actually-- you're great!"

It's happened to me a few times and it's almost better than liking someone right off the bat.

"His usual is usually a bagel"

2004-07-26T17:31:00.000-04:00

In an effort to alienate both of my remaining readers, I will have to again bring your attention to the Park Slope destination spot that is Bageltique.

The New York Times' "City" section ran a short piece yesterday about the guys that I call the Park Slope Mob, but who are apparently just a bunch of retired commodities brokers playing violins for days gone by.

You may or may not remember my Bageltique review from back in May. But if you do, you may notice that the Times' characterization of Bageltique's service is totally consistent with my own. Behold (from the NYT):

"The Bageltique is the kind of place where you can, if you want, try to order the usual, but the guy behind the counter may or may not remember, even if you have been there a thousand times, like Mr. Silinonte has."

And yet... and yet... not even ONE mention of ChinStrap. So disappointing.

Addicted to xan@x

2004-07-24T17:40:00.000-04:00

Most of the e-mail spam I get looks like this:

Fwd: Got Val.i.um \ V|agr@ , xan@x , V|.cod|n |S|oma ? Pnt:e:rmin dhffxrpgaedl

Can someone explain this to me?

When I say dozen, you know what I'm talkin about boyee...

2004-07-23T09:08:00.000-04:00

This morning I made the executive decision that if Bush wins the election, I am taking myself down to DC for the inauguration to throw eggs at his limo. I learned from "Farenheit 9-11" that you can do this without getting thrown in jail. I think that would make me feel really good.

Will Berger return the documents all sweaty?

2004-07-22T19:23:00.000-04:00

At first I was really alarmed about this Sandy Berger / National Archives documents thing. If he stole them? Asshole. If he "forgot" to return them? Asshole.

But what I see now is that the whole mess brings us some good jokes. Today Wonkette alerts us to a wicked scientific document-in-sock-smuggling experiment which was executed by some dude in Singapore, I think. I am still unclear as to whether this sock thing is or was actually real news, considering I believe the main conduit was the ever-reliable New York Post. But hey. In this Alice in Wonderland era in politics, who really cares what real news is anyhow? And since we all know the Post is a total right-wing paper, anyhow, we can only assume this sock business is part of the vast right-wing conspiracy.

Oh, relax. I am totally kidding! But seriously. You should check out the sock experiment. He even takes pictures.

Dear Sandy and John

2004-07-20T18:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Sandy Berger,

What the hell is wrong with you? Let's leave these types of shady dealings to the Republicans. Jesus Christ.

Sincerely,
RocketQueen

Dear John Kerry,

Yes, it is best that you run far, far away from Sandy Berger.
Please don't fuck this up.
Thank you.

Sincerely,
RocketQueen

My fans speak!

2004-07-20T16:46:00.000-04:00

I do hope that dear "anonymous" becomes a regular reader of burned-out-paradise. Secretly he loves me. Secretly he doesn't really believe I am uninformed. Call me, anon! We'll have drinks! Mwah.

The beautiful ones

2004-07-20T10:23:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my heart is so full with my love for Prince.

I come from the land of the ice and snow...

2004-07-17T16:03:00.000-04:00

Aftenposten reports that Norway is the best place in the world to live. I was just talking to my friend Carmen the other day about how if there's something you want, don't come looking to the United States. Health insurance? Education? Mmm....no.

Anyhow, in Norway you're rich, you have public programs which promote diversity, plus you're all pink-cheeked and fresh from outdoor sports. Not to mention the old midnight sun. But check this: they also have "no measurable rates of illiteracy." Can you fucking imagine? Jesus christ.

Let's now all listen to Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." Cool.

You 'n me, happily

2004-07-17T15:32:00.000-04:00

Today is my and Beausoleil's adoption anniversary. It was six months ago today that we rescued each other. Here is how sad Beausoleil was before we found each other, back when he was at the shelter (scroll down to "Suede," his rescue name). I don't have a weblink for how sad I was.

Happy anniversary lil' pup!

Republican Mad Libs Part II

2004-07-15T18:06:00.000-04:00

I assume you all heard that the Re-pube-lick-ans were courting former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka for the Senate seat recently vacated by sex-club swinger Jack Ryan.

Anyhow, the crotch-grabber was quoted as saying that he was "not so sure that public hangings don't have a place in society."

I know what you're thinking. But he didn't mean c. 1500-1960 Mississippian society. He's talking about, like, today.

This sets off my Republican Mad Libs alarm. Say we make a sentence out of this, remove Ditka's name and insert your favorite republican:

___________________ is not so sure that public hangings don't have a place in society.

Some choices to get you started:
1. Strom Thurmand (ok, ok. Too easy. Even if he already bit it.)
2. Pat Buchanan
3. Jesse Helms
4. William Rehnquist
5. George W. Bush

Republican Mad Libs

2004-07-15T16:58:00.000-04:00

Since we are always having to hear what the Re-pube-lick-ans have to say, I thought: Why not make Republican Mad Libs?

For instance, I am sure you all heard that the senate voted "thanks, but no thanks" on Bush's constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Accompanying the NY Times print version of the article was a box with quotes from Republicans supporting or opposing the amendment.

Take, for instance, idiotic Sen. Wayne Allard (Colorado):
"Marriage does matter. It matters to our children; it matters to America. Marriage is the foundation of a free society, and courts are redefining marriage."

To make statements like these bearable, I propose: Republican Mad Libs. Erase "marriage" and insert the word of your choice:

_________________________ is/are the foundation of a free society, and courts are redefining _____________________.

Here are some words to get you started. Then think up your own!
1. my nuts
2. ham and cheese
3. yo momma
4. Uranus
5. Timbuktu

In the absence of any real news or thoughts....

2004-07-15T14:41:00.000-04:00

I envy people on TV because they are so organized and proactive. Especially on the soaps. They are always coming up with plans, or offering up "proof" of this or that. Whenever I have a problem, I obssess on it till the answer comes to me, or I ask my mom what to do. On TV if someone has a problem, they hatch a plan immediately. I think I should definitely look into this.

Also, whenever something shady happens, like someone suspects betrayal by another, everyone sniffs around until evidence is discovered. Then the evidence is offered up and that is that.

That's all.

Umbrella Samurai

2004-07-13T18:08:00.000-04:00

Once again, ladies and germs, I have to refer you to the lovely and talented Scarlet, the Bubble Girl. Her "feeling the hate" post today about subway and street harassment reminds me of my number one favorite New York City subway story:

Back in 2000, I was on the 4 train to Brooklyn at rush hour. It was crowded but not the kind where you are all mashed up against one another and you mistake someone's you-know-who for a briefcase. The next thing we knew, however, a great cry rang out:

"Oh, no! You fucked with the wrong bitch TODAY!"

All of a sudden this lady whipped out her very long umbrella and was whacking a guy with the handle over and over. He backed away with his palms out, like, "Ow! Ow! No!" And he was blinking a whole lot because she was hitting him in the face-- the eye! After that it got even better though, when she flipped the umbrella around to the sharp end and jabbed him, through the train and right out the door, all the while reminding him of which bitch he fucked with today.

After that all the ladies were smirking and most of the men were looking nervous. And I am not making that up just for effect.

If that's art, I'm a truck??

2004-07-12T10:36:00.000-04:00

More breaking news from Norway! This is what passes for front page news over there. Clearly people are bored. Why don't they start a war or something?

My people smell good

2004-07-10T20:34:00.000-04:00

Norway leads the world in deodorant sales.

Can't we all be brothers? No, fuck you!

2004-07-09T20:30:00.000-04:00

My brilliant and punctuation-conscious friend Scarlet, the Bubble Girl wrote an interesting post today about what can be one of the most difficult aspects of living in this god-forsaken city.

Every day I struggle with the impatience and aggravation that we all feel when confronted by the crush of commuting humanity. I try really hard to view myself as part of a larger organism, rather than a polarized "me. everyone else." perspective. This is what leads to the "everyone is in MY way" feelings which are not good for anyone. Anyhow, I really try hard with this, and think about it a lot, so it is very hard to watch people absolutely lose their shit on the subway or in the street. It's hard for me to understand how people can already be so angry, so happy to pick a fight rather than just squash it. Usually if you pick a fight you make yourself feel worse, in addition to everyone around you, who're just trying to get home peacefully. It is the negativity, but also the indulgence that I really can't stand, in addition to the thoughtlessness.

There's no "T" in Richie

2004-07-08T18:02:00.000-04:00

Let me please lay my shit on the table.

I watch "The Simple Life: 2." Not only that, I make SURE I am home to watch it. Not like, "Oh, I'll catch it if I'm around." Uh-uh.

I don't give two winks about Paris, but I have to say this: Nicole Richie is fucking funny. She deadpans like I have never seen. If she weren't from LA I would totally want to be friends with her.

If any of you people care to discuss this, that's fine, but I stand by my convictions.

I love when the French flock

2004-07-07T20:59:00.000-04:00

Christ, I've got a lot to say today. I just logged on to Yahoo and checked out the headlines. There were like 3 that made me pump my fist in the air. I love that.

Here they are:

ENRON'S KEN LAY INDICTED, TO SURRENDER
EX-GOP SENATOR: BUSH SHOULD DROP CHENEY
FRENCH FLOCK TO SEE "FARENHEIT 9-11"

[As for that 2nd one, I am not in favor of anything that might boost Bush's chances, but it would be fun to see Cheney dropped like a motherfucking hot potato. It would suck if Bush then picked the too-cool-for-school John McCain though. Yikes. Everyone wants a piece of his ass.]

John Squared

2004-07-07T20:08:00.000-04:00

I am so excited about the Edwards-Kerry --- I mean, the Kerry-Edwards --- ticket that it is nearly indecent.

But seriously. A few weeks ago, the only feeling of hope (since we are sadly long beyond the "I believe in a place called Hope" days) I had were tied up in Michael Moore and his message. That is all very well and good, and having seen F 9-11 on Monday I do believe very much in his movies and his message. We really need more now though, and I believe we may actually have it. The double-bind that we've been in is not only the need for a strong candidate to beat Bush, but also a candidate that people can get really, really excited about.

Perhaps you've forgotten about that expression "true believer." Perhaps you've forgotten what it feels like to be excited. I have. All I have felt for four years is betrayal, fear and absloute, searing rage. And I haven't felt these things in an abstract, removed way. I am talking about very real, very personal and debilitating feelings. I don't hate George Bush in a theoretical way. I hate him the way you hate people who deeply hurt those close to you.

If you want to remember what it felt like in 1992, take a look at this TIME magazine cover and take a deep, long breath.

I am still not sure about Kerry, but I am a "TB" in John Edwards. I don't believe in him the way you believe in the least-awful choice, I believe in the way that makes you feel like maybe everything will really be okay.

I feel like I have been inured to this bullshit Bush rhetoric of black-and-white morality, meaningless catchphrases and empty threats, peppered by hunting euphamisms. I feel so energized by the fact that people like me may once again be able to participate in discussions of values and morality, and what we'll be talking about is equality and just distribution of our nation's resources rather than gay marriage or abortion. I believe in morality and family values, but not the George Bush kind. I want to be able to talk about these things again without necessarily invoking the Christian right.

By the way, as a sidenote: don't you feel like if you ripped Dick Cheney's face off it would reveal some sort of mechanical, robotic system with blinking lights and lots of wires? Or am I the only one who fantasizes about ripping Dick Cheney's face off?

Anyhow, if you want to read more than just my opinions about why Kerry-Edwards is the ticket, check out Arianna Huffington's short piece from Salon. It is in list-form and I know you people like lists.

New Jersey Part II

2004-07-07T17:30:00.001-04:00

I promised more on Jerse, and I know yall have been waiting with bated breath.

Here's a good one: Weird New Jersey, a print magazine which, by the grace of god, also has a website.

I only wish the "chicken with a man's face" feature had a picture. Oh well.

Oh-- it's a different kind of "virginal"

2004-07-04T10:32:00.000-04:00

For the art fools out there, the first Vermeer since 1921 is going on the block at Sotheby's. "A Young Woman Seated at the Virginals" is also only recently attributed, which makes it more exciting. In the 1940s, one Han van Meegeren (oh god, I love Dutch names) forged a bunch of Vermeers and so "Woman Seated at the Virginals" (1670) was generally excluded from the artist's body of work (about 35 paintings, now 36).

Anyhow, some smart guy bought this in 1960 and later brought it to Sotheby's, who spent 10 years putting it under x-rays and such. Now they're selling the painting and it's expected to go for like a thousand zillion dollars. Actually, it's more like $5 million.

That seems like a wicked-lot, right? But remember: it's god-damned VERMEER. You don't have to be an art-fool to know that he was at least a genius. I'm not an expert on auctions, so maybe this just means it will actually sell for $5 billion, but bear this in mind:

The ARTnews cover story in the May 2004 issue was about super-expensive art. For example:

- 1990: $82.5 million for Van Gogh's Portrait of Dr. Gachet (1890). That's over 16 times as much for a Van Gogh. And it's not, as they say, "the" Van Gogh. I mean, it's a real Van Gogh but not the one that springs to mind when you think of him.

- 2001: $5.6 million for Jeff Koons' Michael Jackson and Bubbles (1988). The same amount of money. Jeff Koons. Johannes Vermeer. Hm.

Actually, that issue of ARTnews has all sorts of interesting facts about why a piece may or may not bring in a truckload of cash. For example, if you're selling two Cezannes, one of melons and one of apples, the apples will do better because " 'The market prefers apples.' " (This is all from "Why 15 Apples Are Better Than 3" by Kelly Devine Thomas). Ooooookay.

I wonder whether "Young Woman Seated at the Virginals" will be negatively or positively affected by her shady past. Also, they say it lacks some of the Vermeer-ness of his other paintings. That certain light, the je ne sais quoi. Actually, Sotheby's can probably savoir exactly quoi, but whatever. You get the idea. It'll be interesting to see how it turns out.

Anyhow, here's nice little piece about the connoiseurship, which is actually way more interesting than that word sounds.

[Snaps to my mom, who even sequestered in the styx of PA, brought this to my attention.]

Why not try Planet Hollywood?

2004-07-03T10:59:00.000-04:00

Johnny Knoxville hates it when the yuppies overrrun his favorite bar.

Do I even need to say it? Ok, I do:

Sorry, JOHNNY. But Hollywood is even worse than the yuppies or the bridge-n-tunnel crowd. I'll take Bay Ridge over you and your Gucci cop-sunglasses any day. Go back to LA.

And I'll say it again, too.

2004-07-02T18:40:00.000-04:00

John Ashcroft will probably come and snatch me out of my bed tonight for saying so, but:

Does anyone else think that Saddam's claim that the 1990 invasion of Kuwait was basically busy-work for his military sound a little familiar?

Hmmm... inventing enemies, contriving conflicts, where have we seen that before? Oh, yeah!

Wouldn't the world be better off if Bush and Saddam just gave their militaries some copying or filing to do during the off-times?

Also, as a sidenote: I know it's like the pot calling the kettle black, but I can't help but smirk when I hear about Saddam calling Bush a criminal. It's just so beautifully reflexive. I wish we could put Bush in a little hole and then smoke HIM out. That would be totally fun. Oh well.

Physical status: Normal

2004-07-01T19:01:00.000-04:00

My alert dad sent me the link to this Indian arranged-marriage website. Er.... you know, just for kicks. Not for, like, prospects. At any rate(ahem) I tried to pick a husband. I kind of liked how Shyan Narayan seemed kinda laid back. Judging by his picture, he likes especially to ride escalators, and as for musical tastes he reports that he is into "melodies and heavy beats." Cool!

On the other hand, the efficiency of Krishna Mohan's profile was interesting.
For instance, his likes and dislikes:

- I am not interested in sports. I like Adventure sports.
- I do not like to read business & sports pages in news paper.
- I am not interested in local politics but I am very much interested in international politics, wars.
- I do not like Pets in the living room. I have no pets. But i have no objection if there is lot of space around the house. and of course no caged birds or chained animals.
- I do not like onion/garlic and many other spices but I can tolerate, not a big problem. I like more of a Jain Diet.
- I prefer to go to exclusive Vegetarian restaruants, but some times it becomes unavoidable while on tour.
- I like old songs and Ghazals.
- I lost interest in Cricket 10 years ago.

Now, wouldn't you like to meet up for a nice strict vegetarian meal and find out about the great cricket scandal of '94 which caused him to lose interest?

Also, in case you were thinking he's one of those typical guys who sits around and only reads the business and sports pages, you're wrong! What DOES Krishna read? The unanswered questions are so tantalizing.

And for the dudes, Kausika is a little firecracker, is she not?

There's lots of other good stuff here, like the "What to get your man" gift recommendation list. You can bet your boots that my dad will be receiving an Indoor / outdoor weather station for recommending this site to me.

In all seriousness, though: I know arranged marriages probably work for lots of people. And there's hardly anything weirder about this than there is about online dating sites. It's not that. I guess it's just that it's so high-stakes. For the 2.5 minutes that I actually pretending I was picking out a husband, I felt sick to my stomach. The relationship of the information here to the life you create with someone is just either way too over- or underwhelming, I'm not sure which. No pets in the living room. No onions. Fun-loving. Adventure sports. Holy shit. No thanks.

[PS- I decide that I like Shyan. Krishna's haircut is too no-nonsense. I am afraid it would yell at me or call me lazy or something.]

I'd rather watch Paris and Nicole on Wednesdays

2004-06-30T20:12:00.000-04:00

I thought that once you left tenth grade you were officially allowed to be outside the realm of peer pressure. You know, the time when "too cool for school" is more an expression of nostalgia than any kind of literal threat.

Of course, it's not true. I'm 26 and I feel like I still run into a lot of slit-eyed, raised eyebrow "You're doing/wearing/drinking/buying/living in/reading/listening to [blank].... RIGHT?" I can only be so counter-fabulous! While there is nothing better I love than to regale the hipper-than-thou with my non-ironic love for Jodeci and R. Kelly, as well as my for-real ownership and heavy-rotation of at least one J. Lo CD (my friend and neighbor Nicole likes to tease me about when she had to ask me to turn down the Beyonce), sometimes it is tiring and dull. I thought this was the whole point of graduating high school.

Anyhow, this is all just a preamble to: has anyone else noticed this whole "Tuesday is the new Saturday" thing? It comes up in today's Gothamist interview but I have heard it enough other places that I am definitely sniffing out a sneaky trend.

So, what? Now only the mythic Frat Boy goes out on Saturday night? And those that are truly down are staying home renting Donnie Darko or whatever?

See and be seen in the middle of the week! I guess it's hardcore to be hungover at work.

Now, don't get me wrong: I am all for going out whenever the hell you feel like it. It's the "only losers go out on Saturdays" (I have also heard Fridays) thing that bugs me. However, my being bugged is imediately eclipsed by my amusement of people staying home and congratulating themselves for how fucking fabulous they are for NOT being at the bar. I don't think your coolness counts if no one can see you. But that's okay, whatever. Maybe I'm just a little Tony Manero but I will be out if I feel like it, and I'll pour a little out for yas.

[By the way, when I did a Google search for "frat boy" a juxtaposed image of Bush and Saddam turned up as one of the results. Interesting...]

Hottie Columbia Sociologist Expounds on Friendster

2004-06-29T10:30:00.000-04:00

Check out today's Gothamist interview.

Here's a good part:

Q: Reliable sources reveal: you're a certified hunk, a Columbia professor at a ridiculously young age, and your (subsidized) apartment has one of the biggest terraces in Manhattan. Could you be any more obnoxious?

A: Yes, I'm also Australian.

I'll summer YOU.

2004-06-28T10:16:00.000-04:00

"Summer" should not be a verb, ever.

Because the kids obviously think Harry Potter is a total drag

2004-06-26T11:36:00.000-04:00

I just saw NYC schools Chancellor Klein on TV saying with a tight smile that he hopes kids have some fun this summer ... but that they also do some reading.

Now, I work in children's publishing so admittedly I am a little anal about things like this... But I sort of thought we all agreed on the message that reading IS fun?

Snaps to the Chancellor for fucking that one up!

Oh, and speaking of illiteracy. Did anyone read this week's New Yorker article about Schwarzenegger in which Connie Bruck mentions twice how much Arnold avoids reading anything, ever, at all costs? I'm just saying.

White Party ... Whig Party!

2004-06-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

I was sort of trying to avoid the whole hot-off-the-press pop culture updates, but whatever. I'm always having trouble resisting my own prohibitions.

Anyhow, today Pagesix.com reports that P. Diddy is bringing a copy of the Declaration of Independence to his 4th of July White Party.

Will it be displayed on a bed of white silk and diamonds? Read aloud by Mario Winans?

Or what if they like, assumed the voices of England and the U.S., with England all, "Gave you extra cheese (c'mon), put you in the SUV
You wanted ice so I made you freeze
Made you hot like the West Indies (that's right)
Now it's time you invest in me
Cause if not then it's best you leave
Holla, yeah"

It just doesn't stop with him. I am such a sucker for shamelessness.

Read for yourself here.

Preaching to the Choir

2004-06-24T09:58:00.000-04:00

What I have trouble with, regarding this "Farenheit 9/11" business, is whether I believe Michael Moore should have to rise up and be the better man.

Beginning with full disclosure: I love Michael Moore (and overlook his totally retarded Oscar acceptance speech). Sometimes his voice of dissent is the only thing that gives me hope that one day things will be better.

Many of the reviews say that Moore makes wild accusations, connections and assumptions. Lots of them are probably true, but without solid evidence there is a certain lack of legitimacy...

...which is, of course, the biggest problem with the Bush administration. Should Moore be compelled to rise way above this? I can't decide.

I'm no fancy New Yorker film critic, but I was impressed with Moore's methodology in "Bowling for Columbine." I haven't seen "Farenheit" yet, but I hope it's similar. Considering that our excutive branch is has been teetering for four years on its house of lies, it bothers me that everyone's up Moore's ass for (admittedly) a propagandistic movie.

But is he wrong?

And also, haven't we spent four years bitching about the lack of a strong voice from the left? (Moore doesn't align himself with the Democrats, but I think saying "left" is pretty fair.)

There are lots of caveats with Moore's movies, but I believe the bottom line is that it is crucial to listen to what he has to say. Things are just that bad, and I feel just that desperate right now.

My Boss and Yours

2004-06-23T18:31:00.000-04:00

One thing I really like is Bruce Springsteen's involvement in the anti-Bush 2004 campaign. A little while ago there was a rumor that he was scheduling a free concert to coincide/conflict with the Re-pube-lick-an convention this summer.

Next thing I know, I found draftbruce.com, an appeal to the Boss to hold his concert at Giants Stadium on September 1. Apparently, this Andrew Rasiej -- who "used to be a concert promoter who started Irving Plaza in New York City" and who has "relationships with many music industry professionals" -- reserved Giants stadium for September 1st. Is that like getting a reservation at Balthazar for September 1st? Weird.

Admittedly, a quick check to the Giants stadium website reveals that it does indeed seem to be "free" on September 1st. I think the whole thing is interesting, and weird.

I do know that I fuckin' love Bruce though.

Los Killers

2004-06-20T11:08:00.000-04:00

I was right about this. Holy crap, it's so good I weep. Even my puppy Beausoleil loves it. He smiles like he means it.

Today I will go buy Velvet Revolver.

Slash is 40 now, by the way.

What's in the papers

2004-06-20T10:26:00.000-04:00

Let me get all Pat Kiernan on you for a second with this quickie Daily News digest.

I liked this article testing the level of New Yorkers' wicked-friendliness. Two items of note:

1) The authors' use of the expression "pony up." Very nice. I like that a lot.

2) I don't know whether the summertime exhaust/humidity combo has gone to their heads, but what kind of sucker would lend their cellphone to a total stranger? Or am I just on the lower end of the wicked friendly scale? I just picture some seemingly hapless tourist asking me for my phone and the next thing I know, I find myself $150 in the hole, and I'm telling people, "They said they were lost and just needed to call...." Please.

Also, the News has published their "get-in-the-know-guide to the summer's hottest, hippest happenings."

Care for a digest of the digest? Some highlights are:

- The best pick appears at the end. I have to put it first. The summer beverage for the hottest, hippest, in-the-know New Yorkers is Bacardi Silver Low Carb Black Cherry. Damn. Thanks god for the Daily News. Otherwise I would have been drinking the new low-carb OE 800.

- #1 on the list is the new Catwoman movie with boring-ass Halle Berry. I would roll my eyes like a 15-year-old about this movie either way, but come on. When will we get over Halle Berry? What if Eva Mendes were Cat Woman? Aw, yeah. (Plus, Cat Woman juxtaposed with Spider Man? Boring. All boring.)

- The item, "One Piece Heaven" is about a bathing suit. Behold the trimmings: "It's a one-piece, and one-pieces are usually so boring, but the leather and clear plastic straps make it exciting." Nothing makes a nice pattern of 3rd degree burns like clear plastic straps baking in the sun and pressing against your skin. Awesome!

- Usher. Bill Clinton. My true loves.

- Conventional wisdom is that as soon as the New York Times runs a piece purporting to expose the "Chicest Bar Scene," that scene is officially dead, and was probably dead 6 months ago. But what about when the Daily News does it? Hm.

- Google e-mail. Google IM. Get a job. Get a life.

And W?

2004-06-17T11:41:00.000-04:00

Today I saw a sticker stuck to the Duane Reade at Broadway & Houston that said:

WHEN CLINTON LIED, NOBODY DIED

There's nothing I love more than to have my views expressed in a rhyme and pasted on a drugstore.

Brooklyn Review: Kids

2004-06-16T19:19:00.000-04:00

My friend Lauren and I have a theory that Brooklyn kids are more badass than any other kids anywhere, ever. And this really saying something, due to our having gathered most of the evidence from my neighborhood. Park Slope is not exactly a hot-bed of avant-gardism.

Once I saw a 9-year-old with a mohawk, wearing a sleeveless shirt and wristcuffs. He was talking to this woman who looked like the 2004 version of this. I lurked around to eavesdrop, and she was totally bitching to him, the kid, about her dead-beat boyfriend. He was looking all blase like, "Yeah, yeah, heard it all before."

As 99% of the world probably agrees, there is rarely anything more alarming than a gang of boys on dirtbikes. One time we saw all these wicked Jewish kids tearing around. They were total hardasses in their yarmulkes and with their white fringe shawls flying. Get out of the way!

The one mystery here is the recent popularity -- especially among the nerdier ones-- of total classic rock hair. Only not hot, like Zep. Nothing sets off a nice case of forehead acne like a middle part. Sorry, kids.

Just For Men

2004-06-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

MCA, I'm sorry, but it is time for you to take it to Duane Reade and pick up some Just For Men .

Apparently, the Boys were in NYC today, no doubt on a publicity blitz for their new album. Gothamist totally scored this pic of MCA and Mike D. from one of their very own alert, creepy-picture-taking-cell-phone-carrying readers. We all probably mainly sweat Adrock anyhow, but still.

I don't know. Maybe I am just a hater. But I think the Beasties may be eligible to apply to a certain club, of which the following are already members:

- Mick Jagger / Keith Richards (Co-presidents)
- Sting
- David Bowie
- Remaining/performing members of the Grateful Dead
- Madonna
- Prince
- Aerosmith

(Diamond Dave however, is exempt. You somehow always remain fresh and au courant, my love. Mwah.)

I of course haven't actually listened to the new album. But I heard it's all 80s old-school and reminiscent of Paul's Boutique. That totally works... if it were 1989. But it's 2004 and I have a sneaking suspision that my former boyfriends don't know what's what anymore. Not good. (Did Pharrell produce any tracks?)

This is kind of like how Prince plays some little snippets of "Kiss" and "Sign o' the Times" or whatever on his watered-down new album. Or how Madonna is "reinventing" herself on tour, and passing out from exhaustion or pulled hamstrings or something every other show. I know it's tough when you see who's inherting your legacies, but dude. It's over.

Breaking my back just to know your name

2004-06-13T23:41:00.000-04:00

Care to spend your money on something fabulous? Buy this on Tuesday.

Then, in the wise words of Rage Against the Machine:
Dance, sucka!

Avril Lavigne, I challenge you to arm wrestling. The venue will be McSorley's in the East Village.

2004-06-11T17:11:00.000-04:00

Not to get all pop culture on you again, and not to give too much time to old Avril, but this gem is just so delish.

Who sucks more: lecherous, balding, has-been, Fred Durst ... or so-fake-she-is-really-just-made-of-dust Avril Lavigne?

Plus-- since when is Marilyn Manson going to hard-ass-ify anyone's image? He hasn't been scandalous since 1999. I bet by this point even
moms and four-year-olds get down.

Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games... Games? Did someone say games?

2004-06-10T11:26:00.000-04:00

My alert friend Emma directed my attention to this all-kids tribute band to Guns n Roses, Li'l G n' R. Although in real life, I am a 100% Axl devotee, I have to say that Li'l Slash is my favorite here. Badass!

As I am sure you will, I like to picture them doing different Guns hits. Unfortunately, the website does not include a setlist. Do you think Alexa "Li'l Axl" Palminteri can handle the epic "November Rain?"

What about the whistling sequence in "Patience."

I just hope they don't do "One in a Million." That one does not have a good message for children.

Iraq, Cuba, Singles, Courthouse Weddings

2004-06-09T18:43:00.000-04:00

If there is anything I love more than the Daily News it's NY1 on TV.

Today they broadcasted a story about blogs from Iraq by all sorts of folks like soldiers, independent journalists, and Iraqi citizens.

I like this site a lot. I am not quite sure who Stephanie Sinclair is, but check out her photos from Iraq. They are absolutely fantastic. She also keeps a blog, but I'm pointing you in this direction for the photography.

By the way, the news story was delivered by a guy wearing a Polo shirt with the top button undone and some gross chest hair peeking out the top. I am certainly not recommending a wax job, I'm just saying: Dude, cover it up. I can't remember his name, but he sure was no Pat Kiernan.

Photographic Phobia Review: Cindy Sherman

2004-06-08T19:46:00.000-04:00

Today I saw Cindy Sherman's show at Metro Pictures in Chelsea. Probably if you ever think about Cindy Sherman, you think about her film stills. Now, however, you have to think about this!

Everyone likes scary clowns, right?

I have to admit, I kind of zipped through this show. Then, a couple of hours later I discovered that it's actually a pretty interesting idea.

I also discovered that I far prefer to think about the work when I am a safe distance away from it.

More than 20 years ago, Sherman (just a tender babe at 23 years old) began to photograph herself, disguised as the anonymous, stereotypical female characters played by the B-rate movie starlets of the 1950s and 60s.

Take some of the concepts behind the film stills: stereotype, emotion, disguise, drama and reality. Then double their intensity and add everyone's favorite cliched childhood-to-adult fear... and voila! Scary clown photographs.

I have had mixed feelings about Sherman over the years, but this show was pretty sharp. Go take a look. The gallery is street-level, so if it freaks you out to much you can make a break for it. The clowns probably won't follow you.

Metro Pictures 519 W 24th street

Presidential Review: Ronald Reagan

2004-06-07T09:51:00.000-04:00

The only thing I really ever had against Ronald Reagan was the fact that he was a Republican, and a pretty destructive one at that.

And I am wary of how he is turning into some kind of national treasure these days, but nevertheless, he wasn't all bad. Here is a list of things I like about Ronald Reagan.

1) His hair. He's all, "Hell no, this Hollywood hair ain't too much for Washington." I am only half-joking when I say there may be some sort of correlation between popular presidents and hair. John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton. Good hair. Nixon? Total greaseball. Bush 41? Yeck. [I can't even get past Bush 43's impish mug long enough to look at his hair, but I am sure it sucks.]

2) Reagan set the bar for romance. Whatever you want to say about the rest-- well, god damn.

The most memorable thing W ever said about Laura was that nonsense about her sweeping the porch. (For which I bet he was sleeping on the couch that night.)

3) The whole Gary Cooper thing was a lot easier to swallow with Reagan. I understand that he actually rode horses and did real work on his ranch. Cool. That is of course, unlike some idiots we know.

Bottom line: was Reagan a crappy president? Sure! Would I have totally accepted an invitation to hang out at his ranch and have a BBQ? Absolutely! There you have it. May he rest in peace, and may God's love "trickle down."

Public Service Announcement to the Dudes

2004-06-05T15:37:00.001-04:00

Dudes:

If you are trying to talk to a girl in a bar, please don't be boring. Being boring is only one micro-baby-step better than being pervy.

Please do not make me wish I were counting the ice cubes in my drink rather than talking to you.

Thanks.

State Review: New Jersey-- Part I

2004-06-04T17:01:00.000-04:00

So, while I have spent the past week mentally finessing my "State Review: New Jersey" post, an actual, real, paid writer at stupid Salon.com pre-empted me and published a thoughtful editorial on the Garden State. Who in god's name could have seen this coming?

There's more to Jerse than the Sopranos, Bruce Springsteen, Sinatra and the shore, though. Stay tuned.

[My graduate school professors warned us this would happen, but I thought they meant like, with our dissertations or whatever. Not with our blogs. Jesus!]

I am an American

2004-06-04T10:47:00.000-04:00

It just occurred to me this morning, the deal with Smarty Jones.

I love horse racing for a few reasons, mainly the adrenaline and the stunning beauty of the horses' bodies when they run.

But then I realized that Smarty Jones is the epitome-- the absolute personification-- of the god-damned American dream. No wonder people are all over it. Lately (in the last few days) the story has not been all about his 11 1/2-length win at the Preakness but about his humble horse background.

This morning, the Washington Post ran a story about how Smarty Jones is the ultimate underdog, having come from modest origins (read: not California), has a (formerly) no-name trainer and a jockey who not only used to be "fat" and an alcoholic, but who had also never ridden in the Kentucky Derby.

This is the ultimate American Dream story! Can't you just picture Smarty pulling himself up by his little horse bootstraps, bucking the odds and emerging into the limelight in a blaze of glory?

I think this is a real testament to my own American-ness, and that of all Smarty Jones' fans, that we LOVE this story. Unwittingly, probably, but we do. I guess it's just how it is in the United States. I still love Smarty Jones, but I am always glad to acknowledge when I'm being suckered in by the ideology. You know.

SCIENCE! (turn to the left) SCIENCE! (turn to the right)

2004-06-03T16:20:00.000-04:00

Seeing's how I'm in graduate school for Art History, it's safe to say I am a humanities person. In college I was a social science person. I have never been a regular science person.

During my senior year in high school I took Zoology instead of Physics because I heard it was a reprise of 10th grade biology and would be a snap to pass. Those rumors were true, for sure. I can label abdomens and thoraxes like a mother! I wish I would have taken Physics, though.

Studying art has helped me appreciate science (and math) like I never did before. In fact, I would go so far as to say that some kinds of science and math are actually art, in and of themselves. Stuart Davis doesn't have the market cornered on nutty abstractions.

This is where the fabulous SEED Magazine comes in. Should you be interested in arm-chair -- but not flaky-- current events in science and culture, check it out.

The fall issue featured Physics pretty-boy Brian Greene, the go-to guy for string theory, and author of a little book called The Elegant Universe.

My friend Emily is engaged to a Nuclear Physics Ph.D. (despite my encouragement that she trade up to someone a skosh more intellectual). I cornered her doctah at a social event recently and asked whether, within his community, Brian Greene is to Physics scholars what Dr. Phil is to real doctors. Luckily, though he reminded me that "String theory is still just a theory," Greene is the real deal.

SEED is not all about string theory though. I read the fall 2003 issue cover-to-cover and neither felt confused, nor like I was swallowing dumbed-down content. It only comes out 6 times a year... so they say... and I just got the most recent issue. Yall should too. You can couple it with your US Weekly if that makes you feel better.

Listen up!

2004-06-03T15:34:00.000-04:00

It's come to my attention that some of you aren't clicking on the links within my posts here. When the text is green, click on it! They're not always boring links to New York Times articles, I promise.

You can practice here, with a little something about my new obsession.